


Definitions

by IzzyR0ckz



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, Inferiority Complex, Injury Recovery, M/M, Post-Movie, Running Away, they're seriously the best I love them, wise old ladies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-08 21:18:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5513639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IzzyR0ckz/pseuds/IzzyR0ckz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn was born pre-programmed, all things he needed to know he was given at birth; this included his internal dictionary. He knew every word before he could speak, and what each one meant before he could walk.  In many ways this had been useful, he was able to communicate with anyone who spoke the same language as him with a guarantee he knew what they were saying and could communicate his thoughts efficiently, but the longer he spent outside the First Order the more he realized how much of a hindrance it could be. The main issue goes something along the lines of as follows:<br/>All his definitions were made by someone who had already created an idea of what each word meant in their own head, meaning what Finn got, rather than an exact definition, was often someone else’s opinion on the definition rather than the definition itself. In other words, a ton of his definitions were bias.</p>
<p>Or, the one in which Finn learns about words and Poe helps him stop running (in that order)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Definitions

**Author's Note:**

> holy shit was this painful. This took me like 3 days and 4 rewrites and I'm still not entirely happy with it, but I'm giving up and just posting it before this kills me

Finn was born pre-programmed, all things he needed to know he was given at birth; this included his internal dictionary. He knew every word before he could speak, and what each one meant before he could walk. In many ways this had been useful, he was able to communicate with anyone who spoke the same language as him with a guarantee he knew what they were saying and could communicate his thoughts efficiently, but the longer he spent outside the First Order the more he realized how much of a hindrance it could be. The main issue goes something along the lines of as follows:

  
All his definitions were made by someone who had already created an idea of what each word meant in their own head, meaning what Finn got, rather than an exact definition, was often someone else’s opinion on the definition rather than the definition itself. In other words, a ton of his definitions were bias.This became an issue on multiple occasions, not only when he accidentally offended someone by saying something rude, but also when he realized that he actually disagreed with most of these statements anyway, after finding out their true definitions.

This became an issue on multiple occasions, not only when he accidentally offended someone by saying something rude, but also when he realized that he actually disagreed with most of these statements anyway, after finding out their true definitions.

  
A prime example would be his definition for a resistance. ‘A corrupt movement in which malfunctioning soldiers turn against their superiors; should be reported immediately and put down.’ Needless to say, he had been rather surprised when Poe had said he was part of The Resistance with pride in his voice; was he calling himself corrupt? Why would they choose a name that would make people report them and put them down? Were they all malfunctioning?

When he had asked General Organa about this when she had come to visit him in his hospital bed, and she had seemed confused.

  
“What do you mean, dear?” She asked, searching his eyes for something.

  
“It’s just, I thought maybe you could name yourselves something with a nicer definition, maybe make people support you more, you know?” He elaborated, a little worried that maybe he had overstepped his bounds. Her face just softened, however, and she almost seemed…pitying?

  
“What, exactly, might your definition of resistance be, child?” She asked, kindness in her tone. She only shook her head sadly when he gave her the answer. “As I suspected, the First Order has withheld so much from you.” She murmured, touching his cheek gently in a motherly manner.

  
“To us a resistance is a movement against corruption; against people who selfishly exist to benefit only themselves and would allow others to suffer if it helped them gain what they wish. We fight to stop the First Order from destroying this galaxy and all things good within it, that is our resistance.” She finished her little speech, examining his face.

  
“Which is correct?” Finn found himself asking, and she chuckled lightly.

  
“That is up to you.” Was her only response.

  
“I like yours better.” He admitted, and this time she laughed outright.

  
“Then ours is the one you should keep.” She suggested, a smile on her face. “But perhaps the rest you should try and find alone. Words can be fickle things, my dear Finn, and sometimes it is best to discover their meanings for ourselves.”

 

Finn went over his vocabulary during his copious free time in the sick bay, and found there were many words he wanted to correct ; far too many. Every time he’d thought he’d finally finished raking his brain for them, he found another, and then another, and eventually gave up trying to remember them all. He asked the nurse for a piece of paper of some kind, and when she took pity on his boredom he received a small leather-bound notebook with a satin bookmark embedded in its spine; he blinked in surprise and how expensive it seemed.

  
“I don’t need something this fancy, really.” He assured, but the nurse just smiled.

  
“Don’t worry dear, you deserve it; call it a gift.” She insisted, then walked off to deal with the other patients. He fell silent for a while, examining it, then picked up the pencil she had included with the notebook, turned to an open page, and began to write.

 

 

Kindness

  
“So, I hear you’re going to need a place to stay once you get out of here.” Poe said, grinning at Finn from his spot in the visitor’s chair. Finn frowned slightly, the thought had never occurred to him; he just shrugged and didn’t say anything. “Well, buddy, you’re in luck, because I just so happen to have a free bunk open in my room!” Poe continued, and Finn heard the nurse behind them snort. “So you can crash with me until you can get your own! Sound good?”  
Finn opened and closed his mouth a few times, surprised at the fact a hero of the Resistance like Poe wouldn’t mind sharing his room with some ex-stormtrooper.

  
“Why would you do that…for me?” Was what came out of him mouth eventually, and he winced at the way it sounded. Poe just blinked a few times, genuine shock on his face, before giving a small smile.

  
“How about out of the kindness of my own heart?” He offered finally, grabbing Finn’s hand and giving it a squeeze before letting go again. “Or maybe I just want you with me.” He offered with a wink and Finn groaned, throwing a hand over his face, making Poe laugh. Finn felt his pulse race and the implication anyway, and that scared him.

  
‘Kindness: giving something of yourself to another to help them belong’

 

 

Belong

  
“Looks like you’re stuck off-duty until you’re cleared, huh? Sucks, buddy.” Poe sighed, shaking his head. “I always hated being away from the action, made me itch thinking about my guys out there without me; I also can’t stand staying away from flying for too long.” His words were muffled as he looked through his closet, occasionally throwing out clothes.

  
“You, uh, really don’t need to do this, they’ve offered me some uniforms to wear already.” Finn assured, looking down at the mess Poe was making on the floor from his spot on the lower bunk.

  
“Yes, but those uniforms are the ugliest thing on this side of the galaxy, and you should have some clothes of your own anyway. Or, well, dual-owned.” Poe stuck his head out with a grin then vanished back inside.

  
“I have your jacket.” Finn pointed out, it had recently been repaired by a kind tactician who had been a seamstress before she had joined. Poe stopped for a second, then stuck his head out again; there was a sad smile on his face which Finn didn’t quite understand.

  
“Yeah, buddy, and it’s all yours.” Poe said, walking over and sitting down next to Finn, swinging an arm around his shoulder. Fin stared at Poe in confusion, unsure what he was missing in this conversation. Poe stared back, a more playful smile beginning to reemerge on his features, and he knocked their foreheads gently, making Finn’s heart thump, before getting back up.

  
“But if you’re gonna belong to us you gotta own more than one thing, so it looks like you’re gonna have to get used to being spoiled!” Poe declared, then threw one of the clothes from the pile on the floor at his face. “Well? Try it on!” He said excitedly, and Finn hesitated for a bit. I don’t belong with you; I don’t belong with anyone. He didn’t voice this thought, however, and took off his shirt to slip the new one on. It was a little small, and a tad uncomfortable, but the beaming grin Poe gave him made it worth it.

  
‘Belong: to be part of group who care for you’

 

 

Care

  
Finn groaned as he fell face first onto his bed; physical therapy was exhausting. Finn was ready to fall down and never get up, forget this whole recovery thing. He was able to walk around the base fine, but bending and running were difficult and physical labor was impossible, and they weren’t going to let him go until he was completely healed. Poe laughed, sitting down on the floor beside him.

  
“You’re not doing half bad buddy, just keep it up!” Fin could hear the grin in Poe’s voice, and he swatted at the air, which only made Poe laugh again and harder.

  
“You all just like to torture me.” Finn muttered, and he felt a hand rest on the back of his head.

  
“Nah, we just do it because we care.” Poe responded, and Finn was too tired to make a comeback. The thumping of his heart, however, he could not just ignore, and it wasn’t the first time it had happened; he needed to leave before it became too much.

  
‘care: a feeling or desire to help someone.’

 

 

Help

  
“The information you have given us is infinitely helpful, Finn.” General Organa praised, smiling up at him as they compared his roughly sketched blueprints of a First Order base to the ones in their archives. Poe grinned and gave him a thumbs-up from across the room, the only other person present.

  
“Glad to be of help, ma’am.” He responded, giving her a smile, “I’d like to get it all to you as soon as possible.” He looked back to the blueprints, correcting something on his own, then turned back to find her examining him.

  
“Mr. Dameron, if you would leave us for a moment?” The General asked, and Finn saw Poe visibly tense.

  
“Ma’am?” He questioned hesitantly, clearly not wanting to leave, but she just smiled at him.“You may come back soon, I would just like a minute with Finn alone.” Poe hesitated for another moment before nodding and exiting silently.

“You may come back soon, I would just like a minute with Finn alone.” Poe hesitated for another moment before nodding and exiting silently.

  
“Is there something you wish to talk about, General?” Finn asked, worried.

  
“What role do you wish to take on here once your injuries have healed?” Finn fell silent for a long time, and eventually she sighed. “You wish to leave.” She murmured, and it wasn’t a question. He scratched the back of his head awkwardly, feeling like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. When he once again didn’t respond she turned towards the only window in the room.

  
“I cannot stop you.” She said finally, staring out at the trees, “But understand who and what you will be leaving behind if you do; you seem to shine brightest besides one another.”

  
“Rey’s not coming back, not anytime soon, and I don’t want to drag her down anyway, she’ll come back a jedi.” Finn’s heart grew heavy but there it was; Rey was too big for such a small place, to great to be held down.

  
“I think Rey would have more than a few things to say to that, but it is not Rey who I am talking about.” Organa elaborated, taking Finn by surprise. He looked at her questioningly, but she said no more, and he gave up eventually.

  
‘helpful: to give someone something they need’

 

 

Need

  
“It’s not true, right?” Finn jumped in surprise at Poe’s voice; it was 2 am and Finn hadn’t expected him to be awake; he hadn’t expected himself to be either.

  
“What?” Finn asked, confused.

  
“You’re not leaving, are you? You’re staying here, with the Resistance.” Poe clarified, and Finn felt a flicker of annoyance.

  
“Were you eavesdropping?” He accused; Poe made no objections.

  
“You can’t leave.” His head dropped down from the top bunk, though Finn couldn’t make out his expression in the darkness.

  
“I can do whatever I want, Poe.” He grumbled, exhausted; he physical therapy had been draining.

  
“No, you can’t.” And Poe was swinging down from the top bunk, sitting on the edge of his bed. “We need you here.”

  
“Why would you need me?” Finn sighed; he just wanted to sleep.

  
“We just do. I do.” Poe leaned over him so they were face to face, and Finn tensed slightly when he felt Poe’s breath on his skin. “So stay, okay?” Poe almost sounded like he was begging, and Finn found himself feels guilty as well as, once again, a coward.

  
“You don’t need me, Poe, there’s nothing special about me. I have no talents, no way to benefit the Resistance once I’ve told everything I know, I don’t even have a last name; I’m useless, unoriginal.” And there it was; for a second he heard Poe actually stop breathing.

  
“You’re irreplaceable.” Poe whispered, and there was no room for argument. “You gave up everything you knew to do the right thing, you saved me, you helped BB-8 when you had no obligation to, you took on the leader of the Knights of Ren alone with a weapon you had zero training with; Finn you’re amazing.” And Finn had to end this now because it was 2 in the morning and he was tired and his mind was slow and dumb from lack of sleep and if they didn’t he was going to end up doing something he’d regret if Poe’s face stayed so close. He was going to-going to- I’m going to kiss him. Finn froze entirely at the thought, taken by surprise, then turned over, facing his back to Poe, and he heard Poe growl in frustration. “Finn-"

  
“Go to sleep Poe.” He snapped; Poe didn’t budge.

  
“No, I-"

  
“POE!” He’d never been angry, truly and fully angry at Poe; annoyed, of course, but this anger, from a place of desperation, raged hotly in his skull and overcame his voice. There was no response, and while he couldn’t see Poe’s face he was pretty sure it had shock written all over it. Eventually, Poe climbed off him silently and went back to his own bunk; neither of them slept the rest of the night.

  
‘need: a strong desire which controls your thoughts and forces you to act’

 

 

Control

  
Finn found himself avoiding Poe the best he could, which wasn’t easy when you were temporary roommates; his current approach was coming back before Poe finished training and pretend to be asleep when he got back. It wasn’t particularly (at all) mature, he knew, but he was still figuring out where that thought had come from, what part of his brain had compelled him to almost kiss Poe. He didn’t know or understand it, and quite frankly feared it; in the First Order and fraternization was thoroughly punished. A select few had risked it, one of the few being his only friend in the entire army: FN-1475. FN-1475 had died in that battle on Jakku, and it had been Finn who’d had to tell his lover he wasn’t coming back, had to tell him the only memory which remained was the bloody handprint on his helmet.

  
“He was so desperate to control his own destiny, he took it through the only choice he could make: to live or die.” His lover had whispered weakly with tears in his eyes, a junior officer not part of the stormtroopers, and Finn had truly felt bad for him.

  
FN-1475’s death had been his tipping point, he knew they were in the wrong but loyalty to the first order had literally been ingrained in his head and it took the death of his only friend at the time to finally override those instincts. He had nothing left after that, he’d had to throw away everything he learned to the point where only base instincts remained, so he followed the strongest one he’d had: he ran.

  
He was still running, he realized. Running from the Resistance, planning on disappearing into the outer rim. Part of him wanted to stop, to stop running and find a place to belong; but he couldn’t; he was too weak.

  
‘control: having a choice’

 

 

Choice

  
Finn had completed his physical training and had been given the go-ahead by the doctors for all physical activity; he could finally leave. He had gone to General Organa to arrange transportation, and she had just given him a sad smile.

  
“You can go on the supply ship that just dropped off materials, they should be able to take you as far as Takodana; you can arrange transport to the outer rim from there.” She offered, and he thanked her before getting up to go back the few belongings he’d obtained during his stay here. He’d almost gotten to the door when she spoke again, “You don’t have to do this, you know, you can stay.”

  
“I can’t.” Was all he responded with, looking back over his shoulder at her.

  
“There is always a choice my dear, some simply take more courage than others. Sometimes people take more courage than others.” There was a knowing look in her eye, as if she could see right through him, and he turned away, walking out; there was nothing he could say.

 

“You’re leaving?” He glanced behind himself from halfway up the ramp to see Jess standing there, frowning. Poe had introduced them and she’d seemed pretty nice, even offering to give him piloting lessons (To which Poe had butted in and insisted the only one giving Finn lessons would be him, and Jess had just rolled her eyes), but he’d never gotten to know her too well.

  
“My place isn’t here, I never meant to come here.” He said in way of explanation, only making Jess frown harder.

  
“Of course you have a place here, you’ll always have a place here with us. And what about Poe? You’re not even going to say goodbye?” This appeared to be the biggest offense to her, crossing her arms and cocking a hip.

  
“I wouldn’t want to bother him, he’s probably busy.” Finn hedged, eager to board and have this conversation over with.

  
“Bother? He’s been miserable for the past month because of some fight you two had! He wants nothing but for you to talk to him, and now you’re just leaving?” She snapped, glaring. Finn winced, wondering how many people Poe had told, and what exactly he had told them.

  
“You can tell him goodbye for me if you want, I’m sure he’ll be happy to have me out of his hair, I was probably just a burden anyway.” Finn said with a shrug, and Jess just stared at him with wide eyes.

  
“Out of his…You really don’t know anything, do you?” She murmured, and Finn found himself getting annoyed.

  
“No, actually, I know quite a bit and while I appreciate all he’s done for me, I’m smart enough to recognize it was probably out of some weird sense of obligation. You can tell him that too if he thinks I’m as big an idiot as you seem to do.” These thoughts had swirled in his mind before, small doubts about the best pilot in the galaxy, a hero, genuinely liking some ex-stormtrooper who hadn’t even had a name before he’d come along. He’d used them as all the more reason to justify leaving, and ridding himself of the weird thoughts he’d been having like the ones that night when they’d fought.

  
Jess just seemed speechless, and Finn used it as an opportunity to ascend the ship.

  
‘choice: the ability to pick what you love over all else’

 

 

Love

  
“No.”

  
“Great I-Wait, what?” Finn blinked, surprised.

  
“I won’t help you get passage.” Maz said, smiling softly at him, and Finn just sat there, stunned.

  
“But-but I-I can’t-I don’t-“ He babbled, unsure what to do. Maz watched him silently for a while, her glasses on, eyes dancing, before she finally took pity on him.

  
“Do you want to know why I won’t help you?” She hummed, and Finn frowned, gritting his teeth, but nodded; she was probably his only hope.

  
“Because you are still running.” She said simply, “But now you are running from something within yourself.” Finn sputtered some more, before finally managing:

  
“You-you don’t know that!”

  
“But I do,” she tapped her glasses, “your eyes, dear, I’ve seen them in many people; each one fleeing from pain. But the pain they flee from, it comes from within, and you cannot run from within.” She paused for a long time, examining him. “The outer rim won’t fix your problems, it won’t make the pain stop; you must face your fears, face your insecurities head-on, and often you will find the thing you run from to be the thing you need if you only have the courage to let it catch you.” Finn stared at her in shock, unsure what to do.

  
“What-what am I running from?” He asked finally, near a whisper, because in the end he didn’t really know. He’d found so many excuses, half-truths which he convinced himself of, but none which were quite right.

  
“Many things. Insecurities, doubts, but most of all is love dear, you run from love.” She gave a small sad laugh, “Just like that Han. You have a choice, boy, you can face it now, or run like he did.” Then she sat up straight and gave a mischievous grin, “I’m only helping you make the right choice.”

  
Finn looked down at his lap, deep in thought and slightly shaken. She had taken something so complicated and made it so simple. Was that all it was? Was he running from a punishment he wasn’t going to receive, still a slave to the pre-programmed part of his brain? Was he afraid of being that man, looking down at the bloody handprint in mind-tearing pain? Was he afraid of dragging Poe down, of being the weak link?

  
“And if I run?” He asked finally, looking up at her; she only sighed and shook her head.

  
“Then you will be consumed with what-ifs, and die despairing and regretting, as Han did.” He didn’t ask how she knew, she seemed to know everything. But the memory of Han Solo, falling to his death, merely for trying to make things right, for trying to fix what had been broken, changed something in him. He wasn’t going to run; he was tired of running.

  
“What should I do? Even if I wanted to go back, I don’t have a ship.” He pointed out, and Maz’s eyes lit up with mirth.

  
“It’s that Dameron boy, is it not? Quite the pilot, that one! He knows you came through here, yes?” She said with a laugh, and Finn blinked. Jess would probably tell him soon, in she hadn’t already, but did she know where he was going?

  
“Possibly, but how did you-?”

  
“Call it a hunch, my dear, I’ve lived long enough to know how these things work.” She waved him off, then grinned. “Han had to go back, for there was no one chasing him; I have a feeling all you need is to stop running. Stay the night, would you dear? You can pay by working tomorrow.” She said evasively, and he couldn’t really argue, considering she was his only way off this planet; he also had a feeling following her lead may be a good idea, even if she was crazy.

  
‘love: an undying devotion to a person close to you; no limits to its strength’

 

 

Devotion

  
It was the middle of his shift in the kitchen (he hadn’t left once for fear of being recognized) when there was a bang of the door slamming open and a shout in an all-too-familiar voice yell out: “MAZ!!!”

  
The room fell silent, and Finn peeked out the window oh-so-cautiously to see Poe, still in his flight suit, stalking up to the table Maz was sitting at and slamming his hands down.

  
“Tell me where you sent him, why the HELL you let him go, who took him, WHY THE HELL YOU LET HIM GO. And don’t you dare play dumb with me, I know you knew EXACTLY what was going on!” Poe was simmering, and Maz was just grinning.

  
“Such devotion; chasing him to the ends of the galaxy, hmm?” She teased, not intimidated in the least, and Poe actually seemed to growl. It occurred to Finn that she wasn’t going to say anything, that she was leaving it up for FINN to decide; he took a deep breath and steeled himself.

  
“MAZ IF YOU DON’T TELL ME RIGHT-"

  
“Poe?” Poe froze and whipped around at Finn’s voice, then stalked over and promptly kissed him, heedless of the crowd. Finn could hear Maz’s laughter in the background but eventually tuned everything out, focused only on the person in front of him.

  
“If you EVER call yourself a burden to me again, EVER, or think all I’ve ever done was because of obligation I’m going to-going to-“ Poe struggled for words, then seemed to give up and just kissed him again, and Finn felt tears coming to his eyes despite himself.

  
“You’re coming back with me.” It was a statement, not an order, and Finn just nodded dazedly. Poe intertwined their fingers as he led them both to the X-Wing, and Finn found himself staring at their hands. It was odd, he’d run from this, afraid of what it might bring, yet all he felt while clinging to Poe was strength, and he felt like as long as Poe was there he could take on the galaxy, whatever it might bring.

  
‘devotion: the willingness to follow someone to the ends of the galaxy to ensure they return safely back to your arms’

**Author's Note:**

> comments are always love-love-loved (seriously leave a comment it will make my day)!  
> If you liked it, please [buy me a coffee!](https://ko-fi.com/izzywrites) Every penny helps get me through college and keep on writing!


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